I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
