You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
