Your tits are I can't wait for
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
