you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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