i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
