At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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