I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
