I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
