I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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