his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
