my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
