haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
