mondays should just be called national damage control day
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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