even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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