Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
