We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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