Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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