Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
