I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
