So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
