I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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