it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
