I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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