I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Randomize
