Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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