She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
