I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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