Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize