Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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