but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
