finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
