Pappa wants mamma naked
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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