Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
