Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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