Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
