here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
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But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
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I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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