I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I look better un-naked...
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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