you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
