Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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