clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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