My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
