I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
