I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My vagina just recognized that song.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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