Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
