Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
