Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
