well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Randomize
