3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
