I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
