I need to stop coming to work sober
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
