How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
