I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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