Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Randomize
