I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
